It was halftime of the Week 16 game between the Jets and the Colts in Indianapolis. If you were in the Jets tunnel (I wasn’t, but I have excellent sources), you would have heard the following conversation:
Devil: If you’ll just sign here….and here…Ryan: Uh yeah, okay. Hurry up. The second half’s about to start.Satan: Not to worry, I have it under control.Ryan: You’d better. (Signing contract) There you go.Beelzebub: (inspecting contract) Great. Everything looks to be in order here. One eternal soul for an improbable trip to the playoffs, several playoff victories, and…Ryan: Yeah, great. Gotta go. The game’s starting again.Eternal Gatekeeper to Hell: No problem. Tell your father I said hello!
There is no other logical explanation for how the Jets got into the playoffs, and how they’ve managed to stay alive.
Satan placed a tiny, leprechaun-like man inside the head of Colts coach, Jim Caldwell. This leprechaun of illogic persuaded Caldwell to pull all of his starters leading by five points, thus throwing away their pursuit of a perfect season, and allowing the Jets to keep their playoff hopes alive.
The ‘Lord of Darkness’ next move was to have a personal sit-down with Bengals coach, Marvin Lewis.
He calmly explained to Marvin that the Bengals didn’t need a better seed in the playoffs, and that the Bengals were much better off playing the Jets in Round One of the playoffs than the Texans, who had already beaten them earlier in the season. Besides said ‘LOD’, “Cincinnati fans are just happy to be in the playoffs”.
(That Beelzebub is a smart dude!)
The Bengals didn’t start their main weapon on offense, RB Cedric Benson, and rolled over in New York; thus allowing the Jets to get into the playoffs.
Then came the soul harvester’s best creation yet: a spell that causes place kickers to inexplicably miss chip shots, and those misses will always turn out to be critical.
Round One against the Bengals—this time in Cincinnati—Shayne Graham missed 2 field goals. Round two had Nate Kaeding of San Diego cashing in the ‘big sombrero’ on 3 field goal attempts, in a game that was ultimately decided by only 3 points.
Through it all, our man Rex has been boasting to the media that his team should be the favorite—after already exclaiming that his Jets were done when they lost in Week 15 at home to the Falcons.
Coincidence that all the “good fortune” started the next week in Indy?
Now, Ryan is telling everyone who will listen that his squad should be favored to go to the Superbowl. A feat that would require them to beat the previously mentioned Colts—an irony not lost on us football fans.
Maybe we should listen to Ryan?
Maybe he’s not boasting; maybe he knows.
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